I like wakes. They're the best opportunity to hear at least 10 people say 'We should catch up when there's not a funeral/wedding' and then you never hear of them until the next one in two years time. Such delicious predictability! Odds on that the following will occur:
1. Someone will get drunk
2. Someone will annoy the deceased's partner, normally this is the role of a parent-in-law.
3. Everyone will know everyone.. except for you, you will stick out like a sore thumb.
4. The catering army (aka CWA or similar) will provide far too much food.
5. Any children at the wake will disappear for the duration of the wake, only for you to find out later your offspring has been doing things you wish they hadn't...
Which leads me to the observation that it doesn't hurt an 8 year old boy to cop a flogging from an 8 year old girl. Yes, you read it here first. My son was beaten up by a girl and he lost - badly. In fact, he is now sporting a bruise on his jaw.
But before you go jumping to any conclusions, let me set the scene. Adults on one side and in the hall, children hiding around the back. Little did we realise though that hiding around the back included daring each other to jump off the chimney, higher and higher each time, until the roof became a blur in the distance. Luckily, they all survived this recreational activity.
So the next 'dare' apparently was to fight each other. This involved a genetically advantaged 11 year old who weighed 90kgs taking on a genetically disadvantaged 12 year old who didn't. This information was relayed in great detail to us on the way home by an excited 6 year old whilst the 8 year old nursed his bruised ego. But I digress.
After the obvious concussion suffered by the 12 year old, it was my son's turn. The taunting escalated (apparently), the local kids pushed out their best fighter... and it was the daughter of our deceased friend. Now, logic tells me, you and the rest of the world that if your dad has just been buried a little bit of anger may be entirely understandable. What was not understandable was the apparent expertise of the said 8 year old at MMA style attacks that would have neutered an adult male.
And this is where we, the parents entered, stage right. Rounding the corner in the vehicle as we searched for our errant spawn, we were met by the sight of a leg up at head height, fists about to make contact.. and our son cowering whilst simultaneously flailing his arms like a windmill, no style whatsoever.
I couldn't help it, I laughed. The utter ridiculousness of the scenario hit me about two minutes later as I sat there, tears pouring down my cheeks, children scarpering rapidly out of sight and a rather contrite albeit embarrassed 8 year old walked towards the car.
The conversation that followed went roughly like this...
'What on earth were you doing hitting a girl - that is wrong, you know it is wrong and totally unacceptable'.
'I know Mum but...'
'I can't believe you were fighting that poor girl, she's just buried her father and you're trying to punch her?;
I know Dad but....'
'I'm very disappointed in you - you've been brought up to respect girls and women!'
Silence followed by a slow deep sobbing.
'But mum, she hit me first and she punched me in the jaw and it really really hurts'.
Conundrum. There's nothing in the parenting books about what to do when your gentle little son is picked on by a shorter, angrier female. It was at this stage I realised that it really does pay to let some things through to the keeper, so without further ado, both children jumped in the car and that was the end of the berating.
But not quite... about 50kms down the road, the 8 year old was whining, carrying on... normal tired child. It was at this point his father turned around and said very quietly, 'If you don't stop whinging, I'll take you back there and she can finish the job'.
Deathly silence.
Sometimes you have to let children be children. It didn't hurt us growing up and I'd rather a child who could stand his ground in the face of adversity than one who runs from a challenge.
Now, I'm off to book him into some karate lessons ... if only to protect him from girls!
